Yesterday, I was sobbing uncontrollably into my Cheerios because it turns out Sony does not plan to abandon the X-Men movie franchise to people who know what they’re doing and has cast Channing Tatum as Gambit in the character’s stand-alone film. Now, don’t get me wrong. I would be fine if Channing Tatum lived in my house and did my laundry, but I prefer that the medium that taught me to value boys with intellect and talent populate it’s movie versions with gentlemen who appear to be able to have a conversation above a third grade level.
And while I was briefly cheered with the first vision of the new, nipple-less Ben Affleck Batsuit, I am yet again left to despair because, as was likely inevitable, Ben Affleck has handicapped (and p*ssified) the Caped Crusader by saddling him with a hybrid electric Batmobile instead of the typical V8.
Yesterday director Zack Snyder tweeted the above teaser picture of the next Batmobile, and later revealed a more complete look of Bat’s new ride from what looks like a movie still. Far from the military-styling of Christian Bale’s Batmobile, Affleck’s ride look lower, sleeker, and more, dare I say, comic book-y? Looks aside, more interesting is word that the functional movie prop might shun the traditional V8 engine of Batmobiles past in favor of a gas-electric hybrid setup, according to Jalopnik’s unnamed sources.
A functional Batmobile is necessary for filming, and Batmobiles of the past often went with the tried-and-true small-block Chevy V8, even though some of them were supposedly turbine-powered. A few private a Batmobile concepts have gone even further, embracing clean-burning hydrogen fuel cells.
Sigh. Look, I realize the importance of preserving the environment for our children and whichever polar bears are not yet swimming to freedom and Canada on tiny ice rafts broken off from the Arctic, but does our environmental sacrifice on the altar of Al Gore have to come at the expense of one of comic book history’s most magnificent superheroes? I mean, Ben Affleck could probably make up for the carbon footprint left by a cartoon super-verhicle that isn’t actually used for transportation by flying coach a couple of times and paying for a swath of trees to be replanted in the Amazon rainforest. And yes, I know it’s just the movie prop and not necessarily the storyline Batmobile (though it’s Zack “no that actually isn’t the plot of Watchmen” Snyder, so you never know) and yes I know I’m being unreasonable probably, but I’m allowed.
I’m allowed, I tell you. Because, Zack Snyder.
Batman doesn’t have superpowers. He just has a f@#$ton of money. He buys his equipment with an eye to how efficiently it can help him knock the sh*t out of inexplicably hard-to-capture bad guys who all have a bizarre schtick that would never work for organized crime in the real world. Not only does nothing about this have even the vaguest imprint of reality, but I guarantee a billionaire playboy who fights crime in his off hours isn’t going to battle his way through the terrible pickup of an electric engine or worse, risk the Batmobile bursting into a spectacular flaming wad of metal the first time its hydrogen fuel cells make contact with the cement blocks of bad guys lair.
I think our only hope with this movie may be that it goes down in the annals of so-bad-its-awesome, the way the 1960s Batman, where an all-star team of baddies with approximately three brain cells between them crystallize the members of the United Nations (not a terrible idea, honestly). I don’t want it to come to that, but you know, I would rather be pleasantly surprised.